sex positive » Robin's Toy Nest

Momentum: Reflections and Impressions

Apr 072012

A week ago I was at the Momentum conference. I brought home some fabulous memories, copious notes, some books and a bottle of lube,, and a lot to think about. Processing it all will take a while.

There are many things I want to write about.
Jaclyn Friedman’s talk about the importance of authentic sexual liberation in combatting the harm of sexualization.
Charlie Glickman’s “queer is a verb”, which you can read here.
The connections between sex education and health promotion.
Other gems hiding in my notes.

I did however want to say something about Audacia Ray’s State of the Sexual Union which she presented at the Friday evening opening panel. I would imagine that Audacia felt some trepidation questioning the role of sex positive feminism at a conference that bills itself as being about “sexuality, feminism, and relationships”. I know that her words received notice. My partner Scott, who came to the sessions on Saturday, asked me about the questions being raised about the meaning of sex positive. I hope that Audacia’s contribution was met with inquiry and conversation, not malice and backlash. The other part of Momentum’s subtitle is “making waves”.
We’ll never have much movement if we don’t make waves within our own community. New voices need to speak; old voices need to say new things.

I have been a feminist for many years, but I learned early on in my feminist career, as an undergrad student in Women’s Studies, that the feminist voice, both academic and social justice, excluded part of me. Now, twelve years later at Momentum, mine is finally not the only voice talking about bodily difference related to disability. From a question raised by an audience member in the Opening Keynote panel, to comments throughout the sessions, to positive feedback to “ready, sexy, able” the session I co-presented on sexuality and disability, to another question at the closing keynote, sexuality and ability had a voice at Momentum. That is the first feminist space I’ve been in where I haven’t been the one raising all the questions. It’s also the first space I’ve been in where, as someone with a visible disability, I felt fully and completely equal to other conference participants.

While all of this requires much more exploration and discovery, I thought I’d share some of the Momentum highlights, in no particular order of significance or occurrence.

“Ready, Sexy, Able” presentation coming up tomorrow

Mar 302012

Tomorrow morning Dr. Ruthie Neustifter and I will be presenting our workshop “ready, sexy, able” at the Momentum conference.

Our aim with this workshop is to inform, of course, but it is also to jumpstart the dialogue on sexuality and disability. With knowledge comes power. With discussion comes truth, and freedom from shame. Our North American mainstream media teaches us that sex is a luxury, a reward for being young enough, fit enough, “attractive” enough, wealthy enough. Our lived reality is one of many different bodies and many different life experiences.

WE’ve gathered together this list of definitions and resources.

This list is not complete.

Follow the instructions in the document and add your own knowledge.

Or email me at
robin@robinstoynest.com

Having trouble viewing the document? It’s a little persnickety for screen readers.

Clik here for a straight HTML version and email me at the address above if you have any suggestions.

Interview with Senior Sexuality Advocate Joan Price

Dec 272011

Joan Price JoanPrice.com calls herself an “advocate for ageless sexuality”. She is the author of Naked
at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex (Seal Press, 2011), Better
Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty (Seal Press, 2006), and several books about health and fitness, including The
Anytime, Anywhere Exercise Book: 300+ quick and easy exercises you can do whenever you want!! Joan also speaks professionally about senior sex and about fitness. Visit Joan’s award-winning blog about sex and aging at Naked At Our Age. Joan lives in Sebastopol, California, where she teaches contemporary line dancing – which she calls “the most fun you can have with both feet on the floor.”

How did Joan start writing and speaking about senior sex? For fifteen years, Joan was a widely published health and fitness writer. Then at 57, after decades of single life, she fell deeply in love with artist Robert Rice, who was then 64. Their love affair was profound, joyful, and extremely spicy. Their passion, in contrast to society’s view of older people as sexless, led Joan at age 61 to write Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty (Seal Press, 2006) to celebrate the delights of older-life sexuality.
read more about Joan

You can also watch Joan talk about senior sex here!

I had the opportunity a few months ago to sit in on a phone interview with Joan,and found her one of the most personable, articulate, and delightful people I’ve ever listened to. Her comppassionate but no-nonsense approach to sexuality is refreshing. Joan was kind enough to answer a few questions I had so I can share a little of her wisdom with you. Thank you Joan!

R.M. You’ve done a lot of things in your life, most of them relating to education in one way or another. I’m particularly interested in how your experience as a fitness professional and a sexuality educator interconnect. Do you think they do?

J.P. Yes, on many levels. if we feel like we’re “in” our bodies, feeling the joy of movement and the way our muscles work, we enjoy both sex and exercise more. Physiologically, exercise increases blood flow not only to the muscles and the brain, but also to the genitals, enhancing arousal and sensation. Emotionally, the better we feel about our bodies, the more sensual and sexual we are able to be. And at our age, knowing we’re treating our bodies well will let us enjoy them more, overlooking wrinkles — I hope!
Also physical exercise is great foreplay! Robert and I always made time for walking or dancing as part of our foreplay. By the time we embraced in bed, we were already in sync with each other’s bodies and our own.

R.M. What are the three most important things you’d like seniors to know about their sexuality?
J.P. 1. Our youth-oriented society’s view of seniors who enjoy sex as icky, weird, pathetic, or ludicrous is wrong, wrong, wrong! Our sexuality can be pleasurable and joyful throughout our lives.
2. If something emotional or physical is interfering with your enjoyment of your sexuality, there are solutions available! That’s why I wrote Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex, because so many of us just accept our changes as inevitable, unchangeable, and too embarrassing to seek help for – and don’t know that solutions exist that can totally change our experience.
3. We as seniors need to talk out loud about our sexuality. That’s the way we can change both society’s view and enrich our own enjoyment by seeking information, learning what’s possible, and sharing that knowledge.

R.M. I notice that you use the terms “senior sex” and “ageless sexuality”. What would you particularly like younger people to know about sex and aging.

J.P. I know it’s part of youth to believe you’ll never be old, never be wrinkly or arthritic or have saggy skin, never fall out of love or lose a partner to cancer – but this all happens! The best “sex insurance” that a young person can have for a sexually gratifying older life is to learn about the changes, listen to elders about their experiences, and embrace older people who are willing to share with you. It’s a sign of deep maturity to welcome a dialogue with elders, and emotionally enriching, too.

R.M. …and if you could say a few words about what is coming up next for you, what your current projects are, that would be terrific!

J.P. Woo hoo! I’m very excited about my new project, editing an anthology of senior erotica! This will be a collection of stories and memoir essays by writers over fifty, featuring steamy characters over fifty. Think about it – why is erotica almost always about young, hot bodies? Is there an upper age limit to being sexy, wanting sex, caring about sex? I say no. Please see my Call for Submissions.

The Narcissism Of The Clit: A Tale of Admiration

Dec 222011

Recently, I decided to interview a mighty, but oft-underappreciated organ—the clitoris.

Here is my interpretation of what she had to say. All errors are my own.

We hear much of the primacy of the penis. It’s big, it gets hard, it squirts stuff. The clit doesn’t make herself known in such dramatic ways, so she is often ignored. She doesn’t like this. She gets even by being impressive and demanding, mysterious and ineffably subtle. The clit sat down with me the other day and asked me to tell the story of how and why she is so great. Being a sex educator, and, more importantly, a woman, I was happy to oblige.

The clit is very proud of herself. She is the only organ in the human body—in any human body—that was designed specifically for pleasure. Now that’s intelligent design if she ever saw it!

She gets mad when she hears people say that she is only the size of a pea. Sure, the Princess could feel the pea through her fluffy bedding in that fairy tale, but… A pea, really? Hrmph! (It is at this point in the story that the clit retracted into her hood. It took all of my interviewing skills to get her to come back out and finish her tale.)

Sometimes she is much larger than a pea, and even then, that’s only the part you can see. The clit would like everyone to know that she is so complex, so much so that people—smart people, in her opinion—call her the clitoral complex. What people call the clit, is actually the head of the clitoris, or clitoral complex. The shaft, what the narcissistic clit prefers to call her body, extends about an inch back into the human body, and has “legs” that extend back, on each side under the labia, towards the butt. If one were to trace the labia with one’s fingers, which even our greedy clit would deem appropriate behavior (but not for too long), one would be tracing the path of these clitoral legs. The clitoral complex is essentially wishbone -shaped. The clit recommends rubbing her head; she may grant you a wish. More like a genie than a wishbone.

The clit is very demanding. She thrums and throbs and tingles, and if you look very carefully, you can see how she grows. Wetness usually emerges from the labial folds in which she nests, for her comfort and your convenience. She appreciates wetness, but frowns on some bottled lubricants particularly those with irritating chemicals and fragrances. She wants to remind people that she is the essence of fragility and strength, and must be treated with the utmost of respect and tenderness. She hates the redness that comes with irritation, and is so pleasure-focused that even the slightest hint towards discomfort makes her angry and resentful. This means no burning chemicals. She rebels against this treatment by developing a rash or irritation and feeling too sensitive or not sensitive enough. Her sister, or her neighbor—I’m not quite clear on that—the vagina, sometimes develops yeast infections from the glycerin in some lubricants, which makes the clit sulk indeed for she rarely gets attention while the vagina recovers. Sometimes they have arguments! (Here, the clit began to sulk again. I had to gently assure her that I only keep the best of lubricants in my house and that she could continue to trust me with her story. She must have felt conciliatory, for she continues with…))

The clitoris is not purely self-centered, though. When treated well, she gives generously of her softness and warmth. She recognizes that she is only part of a network—well, actually, she says, she’s the leader of the network—of nerves that bring pleasure to the body. She says actually that if you want to know what is going on with her, you should watch the face she is attached to. She suggests looking for flushed skin, closed or rolling eyes, and increased heat.

The clit is persistent. and when she peeks her little head out from its hood, she won’t take no for an answer.

(I begged the clit to tell me more, she insisted that she needed to rest up. She had a big date lined up, and was quite confident that she would be getting some attention before the appointed time. Grudgingly, she granted me time more one more tidbit, one that she assured me would assert her supremacy. She is most proud to know that her truth has been recorded in a book, a book most appropriately—she stressed the appropriateness:
The Clitoral Truth.

Author’s note: No clitoris was harmed in the writing of this piece. If there is any resemblance between the clit in this story and any other clitoris, it is purely by coincidence.

Sex and Disability: What Does the Literature Say?

Oct 302011

The following is a brief literature review I wrote recently, looking at the sex education needs of adults with physical disabilities.

The field of sexuality and disability is gaining in popularity among researchers and service providers, but there is still relatively little published material. Gaining a picture of the overall field requires looking at writing and research performed over the last decade and drawing inferences between these writings. Many studies, for example,address only one population of people with disabilities, such as those with spinal cord injuries (see, for example, Sakellariou, 2006). Many studies, whether researching a specific population or examining a specific issue, have been conducted on small scales. To gain an appreciation for the multi-faceted issues in this field, it is helpful to see sexuality as something that everyone, regardless of ability, is concerned with

One thing that becomes clear is that people with disabilities, both congenital and acquired, do have an interest in sexuality, are sexual beings, and want more information from their medical and rehabilitation support teams. In a study of young men and women with cerebral palsy, ninety percent of the participants reported that their rehabilitation did not include information on sexuality; most of these participants expressed a desire for this information (Wiegerink, Roebroeck, Bender, Stam, & Cohen-Kettenis 2011). In The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability, Kaufman et al offer firsthand accounts from peple with various disabilities on the unwillingness of doctors and other medical support staff to provide information about, or answer questions concerning, sexuality (2007).

Revealed is a broad resistance to including sexual information in medical and rehabilitation treatments. It has been suggested that this arises from practitioners’ personal discomfort with discussing sexuality, and a lack of training in ways to discuss these topics with patients or clients (Akinci, Yildiz & Zengin 2011). The literature onA study of rehabilitation providers for survivors of spinal cord injuries shows the necessity of professional training in addressing patients’ sexual concerns, and the proposed need for this training to be discipline specific (Fronek, Kendall, Booth, Eugarde & Geraghty 2011). This material shows the clear need for sexuality to be included in the training of medical, rehabilitation, and other health care professionals, but the rigours of research only allow a limited amount of generalization in this matter.
As important as it is to encourage discussion of sexuality between health care providers and people with mobility disabilities, it’s also crucial to avoid the trap of viewing sexuality as a medical issue. Wiegerink et al measured their participants’ physical and emotional sexual concerns, while mostly avoiding a broader picture of sexuality (2011). A limited amount of work has been done calling into question the medicalized perspective of sexuality as a collection of physical responses. A study of men with spinal injuries, for example, found that the major impediments to sexual activity and sexual satisfaction were the prejudices of others and the difficulty of getting the needed assistance to make sexual activities possible and accessible (Sakellariou 2006). This brings forth the main motivation for people to be sexual—the pursuit of pleasure and intimacy. The primary dialogues on sexuality and people with disabilities encompass reproductive issues, assumption of asexuality, abuse and victimization, and medical concerns about bodily functioning. What is missing is a “discourse of pleasure” (Tepper 2000). Tepper’s research is also with people who have spinal cord injuries, and what emerges, from a population that, for the most part, has been disabled in adulthood, is a strong desire to redefine and experience sexual intimacy and pleasure and to break down the socially and medically constructed barriers that prevent them from doing so. Additionally, promoting sexual pleasure for people with disabilities ties into promoting sexual self-esteem. IN a study of women with physical impairments, Hassouneh-Phillips and Mcneff draw connections between reported low sexual self-esteem among women with physical disabilities and the documented high probability of their experiencing intimate partner violence(2005).
As referenced above, The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability highlighted the voices of people with disabilities and brings together all these aspects of sexual practices, feelings of self-worth, experiencing feelings of self-worth, pleasure, and interactions with medical,, personal care, and rehabilitation personnel (Kaufman, Silverberg & Odette 2007). Though written primarily for people with disabilities and those who love them, the Ultimate Guide To Sex And Disability is considered a timeless and seminal book for educators and health care professionals. What is needed is more awareness of the ways educators can bridge the gap and offer supportive, educational material to people with mobility disabilities.

References Cited

Akinci, A. C., Yildiz, H., & Zengin, N. (2011). The Level of Comfort Among Nursing Students During
Sexual Counseling to Patients Who Have Chronic Medical Conditions. Sexuality And Disability, 19. 11-20

Crawford, D, & Ostrove, J. M. (2003) Representations of Disability and the Interpersonal Relationships of Women with Disabilities. Women and Therapy, 26:3. 179-194.

Fronek, P., Kendall, M., Booth, Susan, Eugarde, E. & Geraghty, T. (2011). A Longitudinal Study of Sexuality Training for the Interdisciplinary Rehabilitation Team. Sexuality and Disability, 29. 87—100
Hassouneh-Phillips, D. & McNeff, E. (2005). “I Thought I was Less Worthy”: Low Sexual and Body Esteem and Increased Vulnerability to Intimate Partner Abuse in Women with Physical Disabilities. Sexuality and Disability, 23:4. 227
Kaufman, M., Silverberg, C., & Odette, F. (2007). THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO SEX AND DISABILITY For All of Us Who Live
With Disabilities, Chronic Pain, and Illness. San Fransisco, CA. Cleis Press.

Sakellariou, D. (2006). If not the Disability, then what? Barriers to Reclaiming Sexuality Following Spinal Cord Injury. Sexuality and Disability, 24. 101–111

Tepper, M. (2000). Sexuality and Disability: The Missing Discourse of Pleasure. Sexuality and Disability, 18:4. 283-290

Wiegerink, D., Roebroeck, M., Bender, J., Stam, H., & Cohen-Kettenis, P. (2011). Sexuality of Young Adults with Cerebral Palsy: Experienced Limitations and Needs. Sexuality and Disability, 29:2. 119-128

Wilson, A. S. (2011). Meaningful Sex Education Programs for Individuals with Intellectual/Developmental Disabilities Sexuality & Disability, 29. 113-118

The national Lesbian Health organization, plus sexual healing workshop

Oct 202011

Last year I learned about the The Mautner Project, The National Lesbian Health Organization based in the Washington DC aarea. Mautner Project promotes health and wellness for same-sex attracted women through educational and support services, and advocacy. Among the many things they Do, Mautner Project conducts:

support groups for lesbian, bisexual and transgender individuals coping with cancer and other serious illneesses
health education for lesbian, bisexual and transgender individuals
training and advocacy with health care professionals on issues and concerns facing lesbian, bisexual and transgender patients or clients
Research into the health realities and needs of same-sex attracted women

I had the opportunity to attend a workshop workshop at Mautner’s office, and was impressed by the warm friendliness and dedication of the staf.

Tonight I will be offering a workshop on sexual healing for trauma survivors, as part of Mautner’s new tele-workshop series. I am delighted to be able to offer a little slice of support to Mautner’s clients and supporters.

The workshop is free to all Mautner Project clients. Mautner requests a $5 donation from all others who listen live or access the recording later. The money goes straight to Mautner and helps them continue the fabulous, and much-needed, work they already do.

Details:

Time: October 20 8 PM Eastern

Description:
Join Robin as she gives a workshop on having healthy sexual exploration after a sexual assault. Open to both survivors and their partners, as well as health care professionals who work with LGBT-identified survivors of sexual assault, this workshop will give its participants many practical resources as well as gentle encouragement to keep on the journey to sexual fulfillment and ecstasy.

Call-in Info and paypal Donation link

If you can’t make the call, a recording will be available either from me or from the Mautner Project beginning next week.

Please join me in sharing information and supportive energy for sexual healing.

ELust #28

Aug 022011

Welcome to e[lust] - Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #29 (Which will be in September, taking a short summer break)? Start with the rules and subscribe to the RSS feed and Twitter for updates and submission reminders.

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

What makes me a woman? - It’s a stumper, this question. There must be something that makes me a woman. Something more than how I am perceived by others as I walk down the street. But what is the answer?

Baggage: An Inventory – Everyone brings bags with them. My goal is to carry my own bags. I’ll let people help me shed them, but I will never let them carry them. Those bags are my own to, well, own.

There’s pain and then there’s pain (and then there’s pain) -Part of what I crave in the second type of pain is the selfish sadism of the partner who continues despite my pleas. He does it because it arouses him, and he does it because I’ll endure it for him.

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

What Is Gender? – Playing with dolls and preferring the color pink doesn’t make you a girl anymore than chewing on a bone makes you my dog.

~ e[lust] Editress: Dangerous Lilly ~

Sex Toys: Single or Partnered, there is no shame in owning them – There’s no fucking shame in owning your sexuality, in taking control of your own damn orgasm. Can you PREFER human contact and partnered sex to sex toys? Sure. You can prefer whatever the fuck you want. But don’t insinuate to me that owning a lot of sex toys is somehow bad or shameful.

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable ~after this point~. Thank you, and enjoy!

Not IN Our Neighbourhood–Not Even a Lingerie Shop

Jul 232011

IN a follow-up to the article referenced in This Post
We are told that the owner of
Maria’s Passion Paradise has toned down her proposed adult shop to one that sells lingerie and candles—“things that make you feel good”. She has no intention of opening a “sex shop” in a residential area. It’s hard to know whether she is modifying her business plan for practical reasons, or whether she is back-pedalling based on the negative reactions she’s received. It’s also hard to evaluate her general business savvy. She already has a store in another city, which she reports isn’t doing well, and appears to be looking to start fresh in Reston.

Turns out the merchants’ association and the condo owners association don’t even want a lingerie shop. They believe such a store doesn’t belong in their community. Eve, the merchants’ association president, is apparently not concerned about the adult nature of the merchandise, but about the quality. She wants the community to reflect excellence.

With her resistance to this business, whether it presents as sexual or sexy, I’m not convinced she’s in a position to evaluate the quality of the merchandise, or the quality of the service provided by having this kind of store.

What I know is that people need this service. People are interested in things that make them feel “good”–that make them feel sexy. The business outlined on the Passion Paradise Web site promotes education, something people really need. I too worry about quality. I want people to be able to get the quality they pay for, or at least know what they’re getting if they don’t pay much. I want people to be able to buy candles and body products free of toxic chemicals. If sex toys and other products are made available (which I think they should be, residential area or no) I want those to be safe and healthy. Does the owner of Maria’s Passion Paradise have these high standards? I really don’t know.

This whole situation is an interesting reflection of how sex can tie into everything else in life. The store owner’s initial plan to open a sex shop featuring aphrodisiac-themed events got people’s attention, and roused their resistance, yet now much of the discussion revolves around what kind of businesses people want to see, and what kinds of changes are necessary to help this fiscally flagging community survive.

You can read the latest installment of this saga, including some eye-opening comments here.

Sex And Disability: Starting The Dialogues

Jul 052011

The other day a few folks started chatting on twitter about sex and disability. A friend commented that he’d really like to learn more about the subject, as he doesn’t know much and would like to know more about accommodating those with disabilities. Since the topic was sex, I responded that I hoped it would be less about accommodation and more about enjoyment. He agreed, but feared his lack of knowledge could lead him to injure potential partners.
The topic, or rather topics, of sex and disability, are numerous and wide-ranging. I’ll be coming back to them many times in this blog. Apropos of the conversation I mention here I have two observations. I think that when people think of disability, especially as it might relate to sexual concerns, they think of mobility impairments. That is, disabilities that limit or prevent movement in some or all areas of the body. Disability actually encompasses a wide range of physical, sensory, cognitive, developmental, psychological, or medical concerns.

The second observation? A lot of the concerns people have regarding the subject of “sex and disability” are concerns that apply to the individuality of bodies and experiences, whether they’re considered “able” or not.

Yes, there are differences. A blind man can’t glance across the room and entice you with eye contact. A woman who uses a wheelchair to get around may, depending on the nature of her disability, need help in and out of the chair, with changing positions, and so on. A deaf person will likely want you to leave the lights on so he can read your lips, watch your body language, or do whatever he needs to do to communicate with you while you’re being sexual. For those who can see, It’s more fun with the lights on, anyway. It can get even more complicated when someone has multiple disabilities, or when both partners have disabilities.

The basic answers, though, are simple. Responding to my friend who was concerned about injuring someone from ignorance and ensuring he could provide as much pleasure as possible, I answered that it’s exactly the same as with a supposedly able-bodied partner; safe, healthy, pleasurable sex starts with partners talking to each other, asking what is needed, what is wanted, what is desired.

I have heard people with mobility impairments say that the necessity of giving their partners specific instructions on how to move them makes the whole encounter so much sexier. Talking is always sexy.

What if your partner can’t talk? Very likely they will have a communication system set up, and it’s something you’ll know about ahead of time.

The fun, and fear, of sexy time with a new partner is the same regardless of ability. The challenges arise when we’re faced with things we’ve never encountered, and sometimes have never heard of. Don’t let fear keep you from what, or who, you want. Listen, ask questions, connect!

There’s so much more I could say, but I will leave it there for the present. I’ll leave you with a few resources.

One of the best resources for info on sex and disability is the fabulous book
The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability.
(Also available in alternative formats from U.S. and Canadian service providers. Please ask me for details.)

Here’s a list of sex and disability resources. The creator of sexuality.about.com is Cory Silverberg, coauthor of The Ultimate Guide to Sex And Disability.

What are your thoughts as you read this, or peruse the resources, or reflect on your own experiences? What do you think the challenges might be if you were sexual with someone whose abilities were different from yours? What would you like to see me write about in this arena?

Maria Falzone Takes the Shame Out of Sex, And Replaces It With Laughter

May 102011

Sex talk and comedy have a longterm, permanent relationship.

WE have all heard the jokes about sex. I don’t need to repeat them here. Some of them are genuinely funny. Most of the ones I’ve heard are degrading, derogatory to women, and often based on misinformation. If someone were basing their entire sex education on the jokes told and the “funny” things people say, they’d have a pretty skewed perception of how to have safe, happy sex.

Enter educators like Maria Falzone.

Maria Falzone has been a comedian for years. About fifteen years ago she was encouraged to bring her razor-sharp wit and impeccable sense of timing to the world of sex education. She presents her “Sex Rules” show, filled with her personal experience and spot-on advice, to students at colleges and universities and to the rest of us at community events and comedy clubs.

I’ve seen Maria present twice now, once at Momentum and once at a local comedy club, and would see her again in a heartbeat. She’s smart and funny, and speaks my language—sexual empowerment and release of sexual shame for all.

The Momentum Conference was like school for me (only more fun than any school I’ve ever been to) and I took copious notes. Here’s what I said after hearing Maria speak: “I laughed until I cried, and I adore her. Such a fabulous message. I’m feeling giddy to be in such a sex-positive space. The most beautiful moment: watching this entire roomful of people burst into applause and cheers as Maria tells us that we need to educate our young people about sex.”

The show at the Comedy club was just as fun and inspiring. My friends and I sat in the front row of a room packed full of women—this show was women-only, but not all of her shows are. (I definitely suggest going to Maria’s shows with friends so you can share the laughter and joy.) Maria soonhad us laughing, first a little nervously, then gustily,when she told us that she says clitoris (emphasis on the second syllable) because it makes it sound so much more powerful and bad-ass. Though usually shy of speaking in such a situation, the toy maven in me just had to speak up when Maria shared with the audience that she loves vibrators and owns five of them. “Did you say you have five vibrators,” I asked, a little timidly, fearing to upstage her.

“Well, yes. How many do you have?”

“Oh…I (soft laugh) I couldn’t even begin to count.”

“I love you,” was her sincere response, and my evening was made.

I want to regale you with Maria stories. I want to share her hilarious tales about her Italian-born parents (her mother’s warnings about what would happen if Maria had sex, and the time Maria’s father found her vibrator still make me chuckle), or the funny-but-sad tale of her first sexual experience, or the inspiring things that have happened in her lectures to college students, or her sassy, women-positive one-liners. Maria’s speaking has a panache, though, that this blog doesn’t have, and I really want you to see the show if you can, so I won’t spill all her secrets.

Instead of spilling all, I’ll leave you with a few gems:

The only reason to have sex is because you want to and because you like it. When you can have sex with the sheets off and the lights on, you can have shame-free sex. (Though I’ll add that turning the lights off or keeping the blankets up can add unique fun and challenge for established lovers.)
We empower our young people by teaching them about sex. Children are never too young for us to start teaching them empowerment over their bodies. By not teaching them, we give the power to sexual predators, who capitalize on children’s shame and lack of knowledge.
We have so much shame around sex in our society.
Straight people get the message that sex is wrong, bad, shameful.
Queer people get the message that they are wrong, bad, shameful.
No one is wrong, bad, or shameful for any consensual choices they make about sex.