Jul 022012
 

Various projects have had me culling the Internet for information, stories, and policies and practices related to sex and disability.

I’ve been putting together resource lists, including this one, and preparing to speak at the Catalyst conference in September.

I’ve spent a lot of time asking myself why exactly it is that I’ve chosen to talk about sexuality and disability.

This is some of what I’ve come up with:

Disabled people are more visibly present in society, and the numbers of people with disabilities seems to be growing. Growing too is the sense that while we live in a sex-obsessed society, the sexuality of entire populations has been ignored and belittled. We talk about sex and disabilities because the topic intersects with so many things we’re already talking about; healthy body image, self-esteem, accessible sex education for all. We talk about sex and disability because it is the birthright of every single person to choose how they express their sexuality. We talk about sex and disability because of the bad stuff, including a higher than average number of sexual abuse survivors in disabled populations. We talk about sex and disability because ability is a temporary condition for most people, and disability is an invisible condition for many more.

But we also talk about sex and disability because of what these discussions can teach us about sexuality in general. The mainstream conceptions of sex are limiting to most of us. Tools often utilized by people with disabilities, such as creativity and adaptability, can free us from these limits.

After reading this story, I truly do know why I do this work. Read it for yourselves. It’s worksafe, horrifying, beautiful, and an illustration of the ways disability policy and sexuality have intersected over the years.

It’s also, I believe, a call to action.

Jun 152012
 


Image courtesy of Epiphora*

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Jun 062012
 

privilege

priv-lij] Show IPA noun, verb, priv•i•leged, priv•i•leg•ing.

noun
1.
a right, immunity, or benefit enjoyed only by a person beyond the advantages of most: the privileges of the very rich.

2.
a special right, immunity, or exemption granted to persons in authority or office to free them from certain obligations or liabilities: the privilege of a senator to speak in Congress without danger of a libel suit.

3.
a grant to an individual, corporation, etc., of a special right or immunity, under certain conditions.

4.
the principle or condition of enjoying special rights or immunities.

5.
any of the rights common to all citizens under a modern constitutional government: We enjoy the privileges of a free people.

 From dictionary.com

I’ve been rolling these ideas around long enough. It’s time to bring them into the light. They’re not all pretty. As someone who aims to please, I fear alienating people. I will endeavor to be as transparent as I can in unpacking my own privilege, even as I ask people to unpack and be comfortable sitting with theirs.

These aren’t new concepts for me. I’ve alternately embraced and wrestled with them since my early years as a naively eager college student studying Women’s Studies. I embraced language that could help me give voice to my own reality as a person who inhabits two minorities—womanhood and disability. Some of my journal entries from those days are insightful. Some of them miss the mark in ways it pains me to read.

Recent discussions among those who identify as sex-positive, sex-supportive, or sex-inclusive have got me thinking again.

Here are some thoughts I’ve put together. They’re pretty raw and unformed. I’m leaving them that way on purpose.

People with privilege, whether you identify as such, or are given that label, it’s okay to feel discomfort.

You can, as I know you’re eager to do, use your privilege to help. If you have money, you can give it. You can do without a couple of extra Starbucks lattes throughout each week and use that money for the good of your choice. You can speak out on the necessity (for both workers and clients) of decriminalizing sex work without the fear of being fingered and censured for being a sex worker. You can use your collective energies to make sweeping societal changes that will make our world more comfortable for people with different disabilities, of different sizes, etc. Who you are will dictate what means the most to you, and how you and your privilege relate to those with less or different privilege.

First, though, you need to feel a little uncomfortable. I know you don’t want to. You just want to help. Remember that for years it is we who have felt uncomfortable. Not saying it’s right; that you should feel uncomfortable just because we have. But there needs to be something more than just knowing on your part..a building of connections, a space and time for listening before doing.

You think we’re yelling at you…and maybe sometimes we are. Consider that when people speak out, it’s usually because they feel safe to do so. That’s an important first step. Creating a safe space is no easy feat, so if minorities are speaking out, this is a good thing.

Am I preaching?

I am a person of privilege. IN spite of the fact that every day I leave my house I run the risk of experiencing an environment that excludes me in some way. IN spite of the fact that every time I leave my house I, a married and college-educated woman with a house of my own, (all things valued in our society) “.run the risk of being treated or talked to as a helpless child. In spite of the fact that as a disabled woman I’m at an increased risk (statistically, and even more importantly anecdotally) of experiencing violence, that my wit, charm and intelligence are overlooked with automatic assumptions of what I can or cannot do….

In spite of all of this, I have enough money to live, enough money to enjoy a suburban life. When I emigrated to the U.S. from Canada, the process, though fraught with bureaucracy and woefully expensive, was smooth, in no small part, I am sure, because of my fair skin and native tongue of English. Oh, and I had the financial means to hire a lawyer, a specialized immigration firm even, which further smoothed the process.

I don’t speak to you with an unprivileged voice. I don’t (intentionally) speak to you with an angry voice. IN spite of how it looks, when I speak to “you” I speak just as much to myself.

But I do speak to you in a voice of diversity. Every time I walk into a room, I visibly change its minority composition. Reid Mihalko, glancing around the room at Momentum’s closing keynote, saw me taking notes on a piece of adaptive technology. It struck his eye as an aspect of diversity, a not unwelcome aberration in a roomful of smart phones, empty hands, and perhaps even a few pens and notepads. It’s taken a long time for me to feel comfortable with this reality of mine—that I do change the landscape, and I can choose to continue to struggle against this, or I can use it to speak out. Positive experiences, like having the difference I bring simply acknowledged, help with this, as more often than not when I change the landscape, there is palpable discomfort or anxiety.

So, while I have more to say about privilege, what it means and some of the more subtle ways in which it plays out, I’d like to propose that we slowly move the conversation over to one of acknowledging and exploring diversity and inclusion.

May 292012
 

I hadn’t planned to read Curvy Girls, I really hadn’t. It was no bias on my part; I just had too many other things to read. I was erotica-ed out. The erotica goddesses had other ideas, though. Rachel Kramer Bussel asked me to be part of this virtual book tour, and how could I refuse.

Curvy Girls is above and beyond the best book of erotic short stories I’ve ever read. Not only titillating, but thought-provoking too. What more could a sex nerd like me, a purveyor of beautiful word-smithing and of all things social issues oriented, ask for?

I’ve spent the last two weeks trying to put my finger on what makes this book so great. Sure, the anthology is artfully selected and put together. Yes, the stories are some of the sexiest out there. There’s something more though. Each story is written with a love, passion, and connection I rarely pick up in fictional writing; I truly do feel as if the authors have made friends with their characters and made an oath to tell their stories with passion, truth, and pathos. These stories are filled with sensuality, whimsy, and carefully wrought political awareness and social commentary that doesn’t at all detract from the erotic entertainment.

The erotic encounters in this book are some of the steamiest I’ve ever read. I will get back to that in a minute but I want to say a few things about body image in general.

Why have a book about curvy girls? Because our culture eschews anything outside of its imaginary plastic model of perfection. The standards women are held to are almost impossible to meet. Curvy, but not too curvy, and not curvy in the “wrong” spots. Sexy, but not too sexy, and not sexy in the “wrong” places. And, perhaps most insidious and dehumanizing of all, sexually available but not sexually interested.

Sure, there are erotic stories about bigger women, but, I’ve noticed, they are few and far between and often focus on the woman’s size in a way that somehow takes the woman out of the picture. The women in Curvy Girls are real women, with dreams, ambitions, intellect, and a rocking sense of humour! A nice balance is struck between stories of women who are fully realized and confident in their sexy, curvy selves, and women who are travelling on the journey towards self-confidence and find validation in the acceptance and admiration of a lover.

What is a curvy girl anyway? Well, she’s not what you think. She’s a classic hourglass. She’s big all over. She’s muscular and jiggly all at once. She’s firmly muscled and athletic, but without the lean athleticism our society demands from active women. She’s got a curvy bottom with petite, barely there breasts. She is, as Donna George Storey writes in Happy Ending (one of my favourites, by the way) : “A fairy child on top, an earth mother below.” Curvy girls are also mothers, professional bakers, store owners, judo champions, fiancées, sex workers, runners, museum docents, tired travelers, connoisseurs of French silk pie (yum!). Curvy girls are smart, creative, shy, sassy, insecure, confident; curvy girls are women!

Somehow, we’ve gotten to a point where women are expected to fit a mold that really doesn’t fit us. I was delighted to see in Angela Caperton’s Before the Autumn Queen, a woman whose uniform didn’t fit properly, not because she was too big, but because the uniform wasn’t suited to her. Even more delightful is how she deals with this: wearing sexy, expensive lingerie. It doesn’t hurt either that someone saw past the ill-fitting uniform to the perfectly proportioned, sensual woman beneath, leading to an evening of passion.

My petite but curvy self smiled at Maya’s reflections on blue jeans in Excuses.

”I opt to put my hands into my jean pockets. What little pocket there is, anyway. Women’s jeans aren’t designed for function. They only serve to invoke the tears of hapless shoppers and to make me wonder exactly how big my hips and thighs look at this very moment.” There truly is nothing more demoralizing than clothes shopping. Somehow, the clothes are always designed for a shape or length of woman that really doesn’t exist.

I loved many of the stories in this book, and liked all of them. Underlying the passion in many is a tenderness that surprised me. The reunion of three friends in Champagne Cheesecake (yes, a threesome) and the new, healthier, heavier body of the woman in the three, is tender, playful, and gently nuanced to each character’s sexual personality. Donna George Storey gives some perspective to the interplay of self-acceptance, sexual empowerment, and the many meanings of fidelity in Happy Ending. Justine Elyot’s Wenching presents the simple, unadorned self-acceptance, in spite of the frippery of the setting, wrought both by the accepting words of her admirer and by the joyous feelings of full, uninhibited sexual release. Recognition, probably my favourite in this entire collection, plays with identities in a creative way. Turning the butch-femme dichotomy on its head, two women who love their big, strong, capable bodies, recognize themselves in each other, yielding a magnetic attraction that leads to the steamiest scene of airport bathroom sex I’ve ever read. So steamy in fact that I never once went “ewww, they’re in a bathroom” as I usually do when reading erotica set in bathrooms. Congratulations to Salome Wilde and Talon Rihai for distracting me from that ick factor!

What more can I say? If I talk about the stories too much more I’ll give too much away. Cultural critique will fill pages and pages.

Go learn more about this book.

And, remember, as Evan Mora tells us in WHAT GIRLS ARE MADE OF: “And there is nothing sexier than a big, capable woman who knows she’s got it going on.” Whether she’s soft or muscular, sassy or subtle—whether she’s taking her professional life by storm or playing seductress in the bedroom—nothing could be more true.

Apr 192012
 


Photo Courtesy of Vincent and Mia

Welcome to e[lust] - The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at e[lust].  Want to be included in e[lust] #36? Start with the newly updated rules, come back May 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 ~ Top 3 ~

Strangers in a bar

Dealing with Abuse in Our Communities

Special Request

 ~ Featured Post (Picked by Lilly) ~

What Keeps Us Going

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Sex Toy Journalism: Seeking the Truths of Silicone via Flame Testing and Confronting ManufacturersWhy flame test? “Pure” silicone, be it food grade or medical grade, shouldn’t melt or deform under the heat of an open flame from a disposable lighter or match – a fact you’ll see demonstrated in the video

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Comparisons Part Three
Cosmic Vibrations
Momentum: Reflections and Impressions
My Feminine Fountain is Finally Flowing (I squirted for the 1st time!)
PolyAnna’s Musings: Attraction
Q&A Number 1: Play Partners
Sexual Bucket List (and a Brief Diatribe on My Self Censorship Hang Up)
The “Dry Rut/Root”! Non-sex?
Intolerance – Contraception Debate, Religious Intolerance, & Grumpy Cooper

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Apr 072012
 

A week ago I was at the Momentum conference. I brought home some fabulous memories, copious notes, some books and a bottle of lube,, and a lot to think about. Processing it all will take a while.

There are many things I want to write about.
Jaclyn Friedman’s talk about the importance of authentic sexual liberation in combatting the harm of sexualization.
Charlie Glickman’s “queer is a verb”, which you can read here.
The connections between sex education and health promotion.
Other gems hiding in my notes.

I did however want to say something about Audacia Ray’s State of the Sexual Union which she presented at the Friday evening opening panel. I would imagine that Audacia felt some trepidation questioning the role of sex positive feminism at a conference that bills itself as being about “sexuality, feminism, and relationships”. I know that her words received notice. My partner Scott, who came to the sessions on Saturday, asked me about the questions being raised about the meaning of sex positive. I hope that Audacia’s contribution was met with inquiry and conversation, not malice and backlash. The other part of Momentum’s subtitle is “making waves”.
We’ll never have much movement if we don’t make waves within our own community. New voices need to speak; old voices need to say new things.

I have been a feminist for many years, but I learned early on in my feminist career, as an undergrad student in Women’s Studies, that the feminist voice, both academic and social justice, excluded part of me. Now, twelve years later at Momentum, mine is finally not the only voice talking about bodily difference related to disability. From a question raised by an audience member in the Opening Keynote panel, to comments throughout the sessions, to positive feedback to “ready, sexy, able” the session I co-presented on sexuality and disability, to another question at the closing keynote, sexuality and ability had a voice at Momentum. That is the first feminist space I’ve been in where I haven’t been the one raising all the questions. It’s also the first space I’ve been in where, as someone with a visible disability, I felt fully and completely equal to other conference participants.

While all of this requires much more exploration and discovery, I thought I’d share some of the Momentum highlights, in no particular order of significance or occurrence.

Continue reading »

Mar 302012
 

Tomorrow morning Dr. Ruthie Neustifter and I will be presenting our workshop “ready, sexy, able” at the Momentum conference.

Our aim with this workshop is to inform, of course, but it is also to jumpstart the dialogue on sexuality and disability. With knowledge comes power. With discussion comes truth, and freedom from shame. Our North American mainstream media teaches us that sex is a luxury, a reward for being young enough, fit enough, “attractive” enough, wealthy enough. Our lived reality is one of many different bodies and many different life experiences.

WE’ve gathered together this list of definitions and resources.

This list is not complete.

Follow the instructions in the document and add your own knowledge.

Or email me at
robin@robinstoynest.com

Having trouble viewing the document? It’s a little persnickety for screen readers.

Clik here for a straight HTML version and email me at the address above if you have any suggestions.

Mar 192012
 

Most anthologies I’ve read have included bits I liked, bits I didn’t like, and bits that made me sit up and think. Best Sex Writing 2012 is probably the most startling anthology I have ever read–but then, it is about sex, which has more facets than…well, a snowflake.

This is the first Best Sex Writing edition I’ve read–2010 is sitting in a box somewhere–and I wasn’t quite prepared for the range of styles, let alone topics. In this book you’ll find everything from powerful indictments of the media’s treatment of sexuality and sexual violence to an exploration of the real depth and breadth of male sexuality, written as a guide to the care and feeding of the author’s own penis. I was particularly pleased by the inclusion of a piece on queerness in Latino/a culture, and a touching piece written by senior sex expert Joan Price on how she healed from the loss of her great love and grew to re-accept her sexuality.

But I’m not the expert on this book. Take a listen to the creator and editor of this series.

Whether you’re fascinated by sexuality, or interested in social critiques, or are a just plain nerd interested in sex (and I use the word nerd with great love) You should definitely check out this book.

Jan 232012
 

Free tele-classes are back! I have a brand-new class for you on G-spot play.

When: Thursday February 2 at 8 PM EST

What: A 30-minute tele-class all about the G-spot–and related yummy topics.

Where: No need to go out in the cold and snow for this one. Call in from wherever you are and listen. I suggest curling up on the couch with herbal tea or hot chocolate, but that part is optional.

You can access the class by calling:

1-712-432-3066
conference code: 265077

So, if you want to learn what this G-spot stuff is all about, how to find it, and what to do when you get there, please join me.

Any questions? Anything you’d specifically like to hear me address in this class? Suggestions for future classes?

Comment to this post or email me at
robin@robinstoynest.com

Jan 212012
 

lady grinning soul - january
Photo courtesy of Lady Grinning Soul

Welcome to e[lust], the sex blog round-up- The best posts from the hottest and smartest sex bloggers all in one place! This edition highlights topics such as libido, fake orgasms, teenage lust, voyeurism, BDSM consent and so much more. Want to be included in e[lust] #33? Start with the rules, come back in February to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

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Assent Matters by SherynBFind your emotional power to recognize and say “no” to what you don’t want BEFORE you get naked and tied up and give up your actual physical power to walk away to anybody.

Forever The Night‘Why the hell shouldn’t I listen? This is my home, my bedroom after all’. So I do listen and I do feel myself twitch at every minute sound on the other side of that fucking wall.

Hands. Fingers. Pleasure.This was the first time a boy’s fingers had such unfettered access to my pussy. Prior gropings under and through clothes had never been like this.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

The Fake Orgasm: You think you know, but you have no ideaI am 34 and I have faked orgasms. There ya have it. But I have never and will never qualify doing so as “I did it for him”.

~ Featured Post (Picked by Lilly) ~

Sadie Says… AwakeIn the haze of my missing libido I also lost myself. I began to wonder if I remembered who the hell I was?

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

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